Triangulation

In my last post, I promised that I would pick up again on the topic of triangulation in a codependent relationship. First, a review of what is meant by codependent—

The "nicest" (meaning mildest) definition comes from Scott Wetzler, PhD, on WebMD, "Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy." On the same page, Shawn Burn, PhD, explains further, "These (people whose parents emotionally abused or neglected them) are often taught to subvert their own needs to please a difficult parent, and it sets them up for a long-standing pattern of trying to get love and care from a difficult person."

Wikipedia gives this definition: Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.

I am positing that KatieLyn and her mother have a codependent relationship. You may read some things on this blog that would make you question— isn't this more a case of dependency (strong mother/passive child) than codependency? To which I decided, no, because KatieLyn would sometimes be more assertive and fight with her mom. Of course, her mother used these fights as "proof" that there was something wrong about her relationship with Joe, so that was a bit of a catch-22. At any rate, the triangulation that reared its head after the bride ran back home is typical of codependency.

During the courtship, I was aware that KatieLyn had a close relationship with her mother. There is nothing wrong with a close relationship with your mom, and there are actually many positive things about being close. I did not realize that she was hiding how dysfunctional their mother/daughter relationship actually was, however. The first time that I heard from her family after she ran off, her mother was giving the directives. Here is the quote:

I have told Katie to block your emails.  Any further communication that needs to happen will happen through me.  I have already told Joe this. (email #1)

The next and final time that I heard from her, there was this:

Katie has blocked the communication.  I did not make her.  She wants me and her father to be the go between.  She feels there is nothing more to say. (email #2)

It is pretty easy to see that the imperial attitude of the first email is different than the "it's her idea" blame-assignment of the second one, but in both, the mother was relishing her role of go-between.  Mental health counselors call this triangulation, a situation in which one person interacts with another person via an intermediary third person. There is a handful of times where triangulation is helpful: if a competent therapist is the third person, if a rational negotiator is the third party, if there is such a thing as a diplomatic lawyer... More often, the third person will hold a strong bias, and the triangulation prevents conflicts from being resolved.

KatieLyn's mother is the apex of biased. Obviously, we could not play into a situation that hands her the role of Chief Vertex and allows her to filter all communication.

This demand to put herself in the middle of a couple's relationship was my first real look at how dysfunctional KatieLyn's mother and their own relationship of codependency are. Not only was she keeping Joe in the complete dark about what KatieLyn was thinking, the mother was also making sure that KatieLyn would never know that Joe wanted to fight for the relationship because he still believed that marriage was God's will for them.

If you are asking where the dad was in all this, I'd like to know too! Child psychoanalyst Dr. Selma Kramer has written that in an emotionally healthy family, it is the father's role to be a positive supporting force for the child against the threat of having the child's personality influenced too lopsidedly by the mother. (That seems like a common sense argument for preferring that children be raised by heterosexual parents, doesn't it?)

Even though weeks have passed between the first email and the time I am writing this, I still find myself stunned by the demand for control. What kind of nutcase mother would want to deliberately throw herself into the middle of her adult daughter's God-ordained provision and answer to prayer in order to control it and break it up?

And as troubling as that is, there is one thing still more disturbing: Why was her mother so confident that KatieLyn would listen to her?

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦

So far, this post has centered on what modern psychological theory says about triangulation.  The purpose of this blog, however, is to leave you with a lesson based on a how a real-life experience relates to a biblical precept. So, here goes:

The control of information and the shutting off of free communication is not what Jesus would have done. The only time that taking this action is supported in the scriptures is when a person has been a repeat offender of causing division among the brethren. If anyone was causing division, it was KatieLyn's mom, not Joe.

There is a touch of irony here. If KatieLyn's mother had not jumped in to take over something for KatieLyn that she was fully capable of doing on her own, then Joe would have accepted that KatieLyn wanted to rebel against the Lord's plan for their lives. He would not have liked it much; but he would have respected her decision. But now, no one believes that KatieLyn was acting on her own.

The situation is clearly untenable.

WebMD link to definitions
Wikipedia's source: Johnson, R. Skip (13 July 2014). "Codependency and Codependent Relationships". BPDFamily.com. Retrieved for Wikipedia 9 September 2014.
Reference to work of S. Kramer