Poster Post II

If I judge by this poster...

...then Gwen and her husband were failures as parents.

But is this a biblical standard?

This poster was intended to comfort empty-nesters, to make them feel better about the natural separation that occurs when their child seeks out his or her own destiny.  Empty nests are a cultural phenomena. In the old Semitic cultures of the Bible, a child was typically raised in the family business, especially male children. But this is a blog about a runaway bride, and it uses the biblical definition for hat role, which is most definitely female, so we will limit our discussion to raising girls.

Matthew 10:35, Luke 12:53, and Micah 7:6 all refer to a time when a daughter rises up against her mother, and a person's enemies are the members of her own household. The big picture teaching here is a believer against a non-believer. A believer cannot stop believing without offending God, and non-believers usually will not concede their points, therefore a conflict erupts.
In the microcosm of KatieLyn, the runaway bride, and her mom, Gwen, it wasn't a case where one was Christian and the other wasn't, but that they heard, (or did not hear,) at different levels of clarity.

Under the biblical structure of authority in the home, it was Gwen's role, as the mother, to prevent, stop, or ameliorate the fighting. It is my understanding, however, that she was the provocateur and KatieLyn ended their fighting by calling off the wedding. Neither of those reactions are biblical responses. Trying to hang on and control an engaged daughter is not a godly parenting activity. Instead of spending the engagement period releasing her daughter into God's hands, Gwen spent it nursing her own hurts.

The father, apparently, stood down and let them fight it out. There is a prophecy in Obadiah 1:11 about a father rejecting his role. The children, the Edomites of successive generations, suffered for  father Esau's rejection of his fatherly duty.  Again, we see both societal- and individual-picture consequences.
 "On the day you stood aloof ... you were like one of them," Obadiah 1:11.  According to this verse, God will judge standing back and allowing your wife to fight with your daughter to be counted as if you took part in the fighting yourself. That's a fact.

Titus 2:4 commands that the older women "train the young women to love their husbands and children."  Gwen trained her daughter to fear and to doubt the man that she was engaged to. That's a fact.  Gwen trained her daughter to fear and to doubt the man that God had chosen for her daughter. That's a fact that she is in denial about, because the alternative is too unthinkable. 

The Big Irony 
The way to release a child is to start listening to her. Really listening. Listen with grace and not judgment. One of the nastiest things Gwen did during the engagement was to read all my emails with KatieLyn. No, it is not a sin to be curious, but since KatieLyn lived four hours away, those email were my way of listening to her. But since she knew her mother would be critiquing everything she'd ever tell me, I realize now that she was having to write to two different audiences!  That kind of meddling is unconscionable: I wanted to hear KatieLyn but she was writing for her mom! 

The way to release a child is to start listening to her. In hindsight I see that Gwen could not imagine KatieLyn's needs because she was too busy directing them rather than listening for them.


The Lesson
KatieLyn's parents were good at the take-your-child-to-church Christianity. They were good at the develop-your-child's-gifting Christianity. They were good at the teach-your-child-what-is-good Christianity. But they stank at the not-mine-to-keep Christianity, and both KatieLyn the runaway bride and Joe the run-from groom paid dearly for it. KatieLyn still is. 

Releasing a child by listening to them means that you stay connected, but give up the directed part of the relationship. Gwen was giving KatieLyn advice based on the little girl Katie. It wasn't bad advice to give a teen, but it stank for a going-on-29 woman.