When I match the research to my observations, I have to conclude that KatieLyn has a borderline personality disorder and her mother Gwen is emotionally abusive. I will let the literature speak for itself:
Borderline personality disorder descriptions
- this disorder involves intense and unstable relationships, self-perception and moods. People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) frantically avoid abandonment, feel inappropriate anger and may be paranoid. They can be at either extreme, too impulsive or too cautious. They have stress-related paranoid thoughts.
- is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to days. (nih.gov)
- is a serious mental illness that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively. The disorder occurs in the context of relationships: sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood.
- While some persons with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may be in turmoil. These may include frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, and/or a pattern of intense love/hate relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.
I have highlighted the portions of the descriptions that I have observed in KatieLyn.
Officially recognized in 1980 by the psychiatric community, BPD is more than two decades behind in research, treatment options, and family psycho-education compared to other major psychiatric disorders. BPD has historically met with widespread misunderstanding and blatant stigma.
KatieLyn fits many of these traits. She would make comments that she never felt good enough. Joe would try and reassure her that she was. I thought then and continue to believe today that if she had moved out of her parent's home, she would have gained and instant boost in self-confidence. It seemed like every time she got a little victory that her mother would subtly undermine it.
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Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Women
Extreme jealousy - The abusive woman usually sees jealousy as a "sign of love" which can manifest as either possessive or vengeful, or a combination of both.
Sense of entitlement - The abusive woman may feel entitled because of her position eg. I was here first, or because of her accomplishment eg. I did all this for you.
Having unrealistic expectations or demands - Frequently the victim of the abuse is regarded as subservient to the abuser.
Poor communication skills – abusers may have difficulty expressing themselves because they lack the skills to communicate or because they are intimidated by the subject.
Create isolation – an abuser will work to cut off ties to others to keep the victim completely centered on the abuser.
Use drinking to cope with stress - Abusers drink at rates higher than the general population, but those who do not may have alternate addictions.
Are hypersensitive – abusers often take the slightest action as a personal attack.
Appear charming to others – abusers tend to hide all their abusive behaviors in other scenarios so that the victim is the only one that sees their abusive side.
I have highlighted the portions of the descriptions that I have observed in Gwen.
The first one on the list, extreme jealousy, nailed it for me. Gwen was extremely jealous of Katie's relationship, and yes, she couched all her negative comments as being "loving" wisdom and concern. Basically, they were all from the pits of hell to steal and destroy. She used the "entitlement card" of being the mother. After KatieLyn ran home in the middle of the night, Gwen shut down all outside communication and further isolated KatieLyn. Sure, she claims it was Katie's choice, but by that point all of Katie's choices were to please mommy, so as my economics teacher was fond of saying, "Same difference."
The Lesson
Seeing these lists from websites that offer support and promote public awareness of personality disorders and abuse has reinforced the insights that I've been digging out of scriptures for the past year and a half. When I began my quest, I didn't have labels for the mix of things that I was seeing. I do now.
The National Education Alliance for BPD reports that BPD affects 5.9% of adults (about 14 million Americans).
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