✩ On Overload ✩ the case against too much support

On Overload  ★   the case of too much support

One of the surprising (to me*) lessons of the runaway bride was the devilish tactic of using too much support. I haven't had much experience with codependent relationships, and I was unprepared for the magnitude of control that is involved.

I saw KatieLyn as being pretty well-centered, yet a bit offset toward the introverted end of the Meyers-Briggs spectrum. I assumed that she liked her personal space to process new situations, so I did not push myself on her. Maybe she interpreted a lack of gushy hugs and personal questions as not liking her, but that is not the case. I figured that she was a grown woman and she did not need her future mother-in-law hovering over.  I thought I'd  her set the pace for developing a relationship during the engagement period. I thought we'd have a lifetime to discover how this in-law thing works, and that it would be best to allow it grow at its own pace.

Alas, that approach was an utter failure. It may even inadvertently scared her further because I suspect, at some level, she accepts others' desire to give her their opinions and push her beliefs to conform with theirs as an act of love. That is what her mother, Gwen, does. So why wouldn't KatieLyn think that is a form of love?

Gwen was supportive. She was so supportive that she supported KatieLyn right out of God's will. She did this by supporting KatieLyn's insecurity. She did this by supporting KatieLyn's anxiety. Gwen supported KatieLyn right out of God's will by supporting all the negatives.

Gwen was so supportive that she fertilized the negatives to ensure that they'd grow even larger! This tactic, by the way, is sinful.  I am not saying that we should all become like Pollyanna, who was blindly optimstic, but the world has a way of shooting down optimism. The reverse is not true. The world does not boost overly pessimistic persons, rather, it kicks them further down. Brothers and sisters in Christ are commanded to think on whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, cf Phillippians 4:8. But Gwen was not dwelling on what was excellent or praiseworthy in her daughter's romance, she was not modeling that virtue, and she was not supportive of a daughter who did. Gwen's notion of support was to advocate for the devil—to be the devil's advocate.

If KatieLyn wanted her mother's support, then she had to think like her mother. She had to entertain thoughts that Joe would fight with her, that Joe's friends would side against her, and that ultimately Joe would grow to hate her.  None of that is true, but when you let your mind wander away from the the truths God has revealed, you set yourself up for deception.

And of course, KatieLyn desperately wanted her mom's support. The very fact that she was willingly in a codependent relationship is proof that she craved her mom's support. It allowed her, the second sister, to come in as Number 1 every now and then.

Gwen used the same playbook to try and convince me that KatieLyn "did the right thing" by running home in the middle of the night. She told me how much support KatieLyn was getting! LOL! The support came from church friends and her hometown pastors, none of whom had ever met Joe, none of whom ever heard his side of it, none of whom could have seen what God was doing here, but all of whom had no reason or benefit to be earned by contradicting KatieLyn's insistence that she wasn't running away from God's plan for her life.

Now let me tell you the flipside—the kind of support that Joe got—because it fell into two VERY DIFFERENT categories which were split between (a) those who'd met KatieLyn, and (b) those who had not.  It is hard to categorize the responses of those who had met her with precise accuracy, but in general terms, the consensus was that she was being an idiot. Most assumed that she was scared into making stupid decision, some thought she was crazy for rejecting Joe, and others marveled that she could have faked it so well and was therefore crazy in a cannot-be-trusted way. Only those who had never met her at all said that "it might be better this way" or that "maybe Joe had missed a bullet." Nobody, not one, said that KatieLyn had done the right thing.

The Lesson
Being supportive is not a virtue in and of itself. Being supportive is good only if you know that you are supporting God's plan, which Gwen admitted not knowing. KatieLyn got an overload of support to question God, but she was given an unpressured, libertarian-style support to obey Him. We encouraged her lightly with sprinklings of compliments. Her mom discouraged her strongly, to the point of arguing. These were two opposing forces of "support."

Her mother's support was huge, to the point of being compelling, but it was a support that led to questioning herself (had she really heard God?) and it was a support that led to doubting God (did He really say that?) It was supportive in a way that pressured KatieLyn because if she would align with her mother, then she'd get a big payoff of sympathy.  Sympathy would feel better than the doubt that she was getting as a result of her mother's support! 

Doing what you should be doing is not mind-boggling; it may be uncomfortable, but it is not mind-boggling. KatieLyn's doubts did not come from God. God knew exactly what He wanted and He'd told her. Walking out God's plan in life does not leave one buried under an avalanche of crushing emotion. And though the high-pressure tactics of the devil may trigger an avalanche, God did not send it and He will not let you be buried under it—unless you want to be.





*It was surprising to me because my life experience has been one of underwhelming support with an occasional helping of downright discouragement on the side; but that is a story for another day.