The standard that is used for judging is found in verse 40:
"as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me."
But wait! There's more...
Failure to act is covered in verse 45:
"to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me."
Jesus was teaching the macrocosm of "the nations," but the principle is the same at an individual level. People tend to focus on the first part about doing and omit the second part about not doing. In full context, neglect is equal to a wrongful act.
I don't know whether KatieLyn realized it or not, but her mom actively supported Katie's failure!
Let me explain...
The control of dialogue, the triangulation, and KatieLyn's refusal to speak to Joe was/is abusive.
It is abuse to deliberately ignore someone. It is intentional sabotage of a relationship.
The 'silent treatment' otherwise named as 'deliberate intent to ignore' or ATCH (absent to cause harm), is where an abuser completely cuts the victim off and the abuser will not budge. They often acknowledge in their own minds that the victim is suffering but do nothing about it, walk away and simply ignore it. The silent abuser is able to switch him/herself off emotionally to the pain and suffering they cause, and will deny he/she is the problem. The abuser's behavior in society is often charming, calm, happy and can fool the outside world; he/she will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle-natured, helpful, kind, caring. (T. Cooper)
Interestingly, as I researched this, I found that those persons most likely to use the 'silent treatment' of ATCH methods to punish and control others often have a history of having suffered abuse by a parent. They will convince themselves they are not abusing because they haven’t physically engaged, but in reality, it is a form of passive/aggressive behavior. And while I will stop short of accusing Gwen of abusing KatieLyn, the control that she exercises in the codependency does play toward that pathology.
I also learned that the silent treatment is a common punishment, which explains why Gwen encouraged KatieLyn to use it! If you have been following this blog, you know that Gwen retroactively claimed to have "misgivings"about the relationship. "Misgivings" was her pc (pridefully correct) code word for abject dislike and near-hatred. Gwen needed to feel good about herself, so she never called it hatred, but in the end, Gwen fully supported KatieLyn's punishment of Joe, so it fits.
Gwen does not think that I heard from the Lord; she thinks I only think that I do, but that I don't. That bothers me a bit, but I could not sway her wrong conclusion, so, Pfft! I can and do hear the Lord. Jesus said that He is the good Shepherd and His sheep hear His voice. (If Christians can't hear the Shepherd, they may be following the goat herder instead.) One thing that the Lord impressed upon me recently was that among the reasons Gwen did not like Joe, one was that she blamed him for KatieLyn keeping things from her.
In their codependency, they had shared many close thoughts. As God began preparing KatieLyn for marriage, she began sharing things with Joe that she was not telling her mother. This is normal and healthy, but Gwen blamed Joe for her loss. The quote from my notes—I wrote it down when God first showed it to me because I knew I would not be able to write the next blog post right away—was this: She hated him because KL was keeping things from her (and they'd always shared everything). She felt Joe was invading. The hypocritical irony of it all is that at the same time that Gwen saw Joe as an invader, she was perfectly was comfortable pushing her opinions on him about about things that were far outside her authority, such as how she thought Joe should trim his beard
I have learned that in the 'textbook example,' the silent treatment behavior is used to (a) hide the vulnerabilities of the abuser, (b) obscure the awareness of who the abuser really is, or (c) both. By ignoring his/her partner, the abuser does not have to deal with any problematic issues.
(a) The vulnerabilities of the abuser - Joe knew from the earliest stages of the courtship that KatieLyn had and inferiority complex, and was vulnerable to manipulation because of it. He consciously tried to avoid exploiting this. It came as no surprise when Gwen later accused him of trying to talk Katie into or out of things, but that was not the case. If anything, Gwen was projecting her own treatment of KatieLyn.
(b) The awareness of who the abuser is - This is where the passive/aggressive part comes in. This is also the part that Jesus called out in verse 45, above, "to the extent that you did not do." The abuse can be hard to see because, unless ignoring can be called an activity, the abuser is not doing anything; but the not-doing is the abuse! The abuser moves even further from a healthy reality by being in denial that such behavior is punitive.
(c) Both - In the case of the runaway bride, it was both. Joe's and KatieLyn's relationship could have survived part a by itself. Moving out of her parents' home and gaining confidence as a wife would have gone a long way to ameliorating the feelings of inferiority that are at the root of KatieLyn's codependency; she would have thrived and bloomed into her own person as she let go of the apron-strings. That had been a part of God's plan, and it would have been the easiest, most natural, and most loving resolution to the codependency. Instead, feelings of inferiority were "cured" with narcissism—and that is like taking an addictive painkiller without treating an underlying chronic problem. That is what deepens a codependent relationship.
When KatieLyn ran back home, she reinforced the codependency.* She realized a temporary flush of power, which I fear has probably changed her permanently, and not for the better. If it had changed her for the better, then she would have moved out on her own to figure out what she needed; she does not need to be enslaved to her codependency unless, in her heart of hearts, she wants to be her mother's mini-me. Continuing to live at home after calling off the wedding was like an alcoholic keeping liquor in the cupboard.
The Lesson
Jesus' Sheep and Goats teaching clearly indicates that God considers not dealing with a need to be a serious issue. He taught that neglecting others in this way counts as if you were treating Him that way. When KatieLyn ignores Joe and refuses to speak with him, it counts as her ignoring Jesus and refusing to speak to Him.
This is not the kind of a problem that can be resolved by moving on. It cannot be resolved by burying it and getting a fresh start. Is one of those problems that exists (and will probably grow) until she deals with it, no matter how well she hides temporarily. KatieLyn has become one of those women who use the silent treatment to punish others and get what she wants.
One of Joe's delights in their courtship had been that neither of them had a lot of emotional baggage from past failures. KatieLyn has a goatskin bag now.
* From my research on this, there are two ways her future could go, 1) she kicked the codependent can down the road where it will be harder for her to overcome now, or 2) she will adapt, become even more like her mother, and date only mommy-approved men who can be controlled.
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