Someday soon I will post about how VILE and EVIL it is to commandeer control over communications as was done to Joe and his friends. But for today, I want to leave KatieLyn's mother out of it. So for today, I am going to look at the things Joe's family and friends had thought were RIGHT.
• KatieLyn had inspired Joe to be his best. By knowing her, he'd become more focused in what he wanted out of life; he was making more conservative, less self-centered, financial decisions; and he was taking better care of himself.
• KatieLyn was a woman who allowed Joe to be authentic; the changes he was making were positive, but still in line with his core character. He wasn't suddenly faking an aberrant interest in needlepoint or abandon his working on clunkers hobby just to please her.
• Trust had come easily with KatieLyn; yes, that is past tense now. Joe could say without any shred of doubt that he would never purposely hurt her, and he'd once thought that she would never purposefully hurt him.
• They had fun together, at least Joe had fun. He loved it that KatieLyn seemed to enjoy things like playing card games with friends or cooking steaks on the grill. He knew his lifestyle would never fit with a woman who would expect him to blow half a paycheck on a night on the town every few weeks, but KatieLyn had seemed to be the picnic-in-the-park kind of girl that he could live with forever.
• KatieLyn's worldview and value system is similar to Joe's. Their approach to the big issues of religion, education, and work ethic is very compatible. And even though KatieLyn had racked up some debts, and Joe believes in living debt-free, they had discussed this and she had appeared to be okay with a more "Dave Ramsey" style attitude.
• KatieLyn matched every "non-negotiable point" on his list for a wife flawlessly (this was the eHarmony list from the service that found the match), and she matched all but one his "wanted" points.¹
• KatieLyn gave every indication of someday being a loving, nurturing mother for any children they may have. This was very important to Joe. KatieLyn loves children and has a knack for helping them discover the world around them.
• This point is a bit surprising for people who tend to judge things by projecting their own feelings into a situation, but Joe's love for KatieLyn is nearly unconditional. He has never been fuming livid at her for running home to her mother. He was deeply hurt that she chose life with her mother over him, of course, but he did not react with anger. His prayer from the beginning was that she would see the truth of that codependency and would find the courage to want to break free of it.²
• Joe's friends and family believed that KatieLyn's strengths complemented Joe's personality. Where he tended to be laid back, she could pull out his interest without becoming neurotic over it—at least it certainly seemed to be the case. We may have been wrong about this.³
• They did not consume each other; KatieLyn was still her own person. This wasn't a puppy-love situation where common sense and reality fly out the door. KatieLyn was saying and doing the things that gave us confidence that she was the right person for Joe. She kept her own sense of humor and injected her own ideas into the mix.
• KatieLyn is a life-long learner, like Joe. It would have been no stretch to imagine her earning a college
degree in early childhood education and building a career in that
direction if she had wanted to. She had the natural curiosity that keeps a mind active and growing, and with the proper encouragement, could have been a good writer of children's books.
• KatieLyn made it easy to imagine what was next. We could look down the years and see it working out. We could envision their love growing stronger. It was easy to picture KatieLyn finding her place in life here, to see her blossoming into a wonderful woman of God, and flourishing as she walked out the Lord's plan for her life.
• KatieLyn was wanted here. We had welcomed her with a bridal shower. Women who had never met her before had spent time and resources to make her feel welcomed, and when they did meet her, they unanimously agreed that "Joe had done well to find a catch" like her. Expressions like, "They're so cute together," were wholly sincere, not idle prattle. No one realized that such acceptance could be twisted into KatieLyn later saying that she wasn't good enough. Nobody who met her then would ever have agreed with what she said on the night that she ran, that she was not capable of making Joe happy.
The Lesson?
Is there a lesson in all this? There are many conclusions that could be drawn, some directly opposing each other depending upon whom you think "did the right thing." Today, KatieLyn still believes that she did the right thing by running away. I believe that she ran away from God's plan for her life.
¹The one point that did not match was that she was still living with her parents.
²At the time Joe met KatieLyn, she was telling him that she wanted this. She told him that she did not want the same things her mother wanted for her. She did not want to marry the kind of man her mother likes, that is, someone like her father. She was afraid that her mother would never like KatieLyn to date a man that wasn't like her father. KatieLyn's early assessment proved to be 100% spot on.
³According to KatieLyn's mom, KatieLyn was hiding a lot of her anxiety. And there was at least one case where she hid her real thoughts. It had to do with a can of Parmesan cheese. These jars are labeled "refrigerate after opening." The reason for this has more to do with clumping and flavor than with spoilage. Italian restaurants and pizzerias often have unrefrigerated shakers of cheese on the table and the health department is fine with this. Joe likes to store his Parmesan at room temperature because it continues aging and is better when making sauces. He explained this to KatieLyn, and she gave the appearance of being all understanding. But once he was out the door, she whisked it back into the refrigerator. It's the "pretend to agree" and then "do differently as soon as Joe is out of sight" that is troubling.
No comments:
Post a Comment