Her Mother's Daughter - Part One

Back on August 22nd, I blogged about "triangulation." You will remember that triangulation is where a third person is selected, or possibly self-selects, as a way to protect the integrity of the family by ending any perceived threat.  I did a fair amount of research in writing that post. Typically, I find that research which gives me a fuller appreciation of an issue will also bring the benefit of, if not acceptance, then at least a sympathetic understanding of the issue. 

That did not happen this time. Instead, my eyes were opened to the fact that KatieLyn's family isn't just a little over protective; they are engaged in wildly dysfunctional behaviors.

When Joe first met KatieLyn, she presented herself as someone who wanted to move into the full womanhood role of becoming a wife. (I know that associating the role of a helpmeet wife with full womanhood will tick off many feminists, but they need to get over their cultural bias. For most people in most parts of the world, being a wife is a womanly honor. Those few who are offended by this ought to take a hike—literally take a hike because your attitude proves that you are out of touch with nature and it would do you good to feel more of the earth beneath your feet.)

As I was saying, when Joe met KatieLyn, becoming a wife was very important to her. But a few months later, she ran back to her girlhood. Frankly, I have been appalled ever since by the severity of her mother's intervention and her dogged determination to control just about everybody else.
From now on, I will be calling KatieLyn's mother Gwen. When I began this blog forty posts ago, the plan in the back of my mind was to name only the two main characters; KatieLyn, the runaway bride, and Joe, her run-from groom. Some of my more awkwardly phrased sentences in the "Triangulation" post mentioned earlier are the result of my attempt to stick to my self-imposed rule. But I have come to realize that Gwen has inserted herself into KatieLyn's romance so fully that giving her a name would be a courtesy to my readers. In one baby name book that I checked, Gwen is the familiar form of an old German name meaning "wanderer."  That fits my relationship with Gwen because there were multiple times when she told me one thing first, only to walk it back later; her truth wanders.

The mark of excellence in parenting is to train a child to be a capable, responsible, loving, God-guided adult. When parents succeed in doing this, they will have an adult child who is happy, who knows how to achieve godly goals, and who will be a joy and comfort to his/her parents. I believe that once potty-training is complete, the best parents realize that they are no longer raising a child but have moved in to the next phase— training a future adult. The child has proven that he has control of his basic body functions, and from that point on, parenting is about gradually loosening and cutting the apron strings by supplying the necessary knowledge and practice of skills that the child needs to become the whole person God intended.

The nuclear family is the ideal arena for this. Yes, I know that many children don't have this. I know that for many reasons, some good, some bad, and some heartbreaking, many children grow up in orphanages, in blended families, in single-parent homes, and as adoptees. All the political correctness in the world won't alter the facts that the gold standard family will have one adult male role model, married to one adult female role model, and that when those role models are emotionally healthy, their biological link to their offspring creates a formidable boost to a family's natural attachments. Even though many families do not have this in our fallen world, this is the family system of the Creator's design plan.

But this is how a professional psychotherapist, Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D, writes about the family system:

The family system has, as one of its goals, the preservation of itself. To this end, a family will do what it can to meet with and defeat any perceived threats to its existence. Always, the healthy family recognizes and encourages, in gradual and appropriate ways, the movement of the children towards adulthood and emancipation. However, if the family system is dysfunctional and one or more of its members is not able to tolerate change and emancipation trouble can loom either ahead or all along the way. Partly, this is due to the fact that change and growth are viewed as threats that must be stopped. Change, in many circumstances, is resisted because it provokes enormous anxiety. Sometimes, in the case of the dysfunctional family, threat is dealt with through "triangulation."

When I first read "emancipation trouble," I thought of Gwen and my brain went "Bingo!" Gwen has an established history of creating "emancipation trouble," which is a fancy way of saying she has a hard time cutting the apron strings.  KatieLyn's older sister had to take actions that Gwen describes as "being a bit of a rebel" in order for her to break free. But when I look at KatieLyn's sister as objectively as is possible, I don't think the secular world would find her desire to make her own life-choices all that rebellious; I think most people would call her sister's decision and subsequent action to leave home incredibly normal.

I don't know many details of the dyadic alliance (group of two) between Gwen and KatieLyn's sister, but it had to have been pretty strong because the day I met Gwen, she brought it up more than once, even though comparison of her daughters was off-topic until she injected it. At the time, I'd felt a twinge of sympathy for KatieLyn growing up in the shadow of her sister, but I quickly rationalized that the upcoming marriage would give her a fresh start. I did not consider how much damage was left behind and still affecting her.

Months later, Joe gave me an example of some of the damage Gwen had done by comparing her daughters in the name of "protecting" them. KatieLyn is a natural born bookworm. She read a lot, conscientiously did her schoolwork, and as a result would get mostly As. Her sister was focused more on the social scene and got mostly Cs, so when she did get a higher grade, the mom would shower her with praise.  Joe reported that KatieLyn told him that her mother never made a big deal out of the As she earned because, as the mom explained, it would make her sister feel bad. KatieLyn was asked to suck it up for her sister's sake. I don't know if that incident was a one-time special circumstances thing; he was retelling it, and I wasn't there to hear the original. What is clear, however, is that KatieLyn got more approval by conforming to her Mom's celebration of her sister's B grade than she got from earning an A on her own.

When we met in person, I missed Gwen's repeated comparison of her daughters as a clue to family dysfunction. Perhaps a trained psychotherapist would have picked up on that, but on that day I wasn't looking for things that could go wrong.

In hindsight, I can see that Gwen was looking for things that could go wrong. She was busy stuffing her mental briefcase full of such information! If I had been more in tune to the fact that she was looking for what could go wrong, I would have been alarmed by what came next. That will be the topic of Part Two.

Today, I want to posit my own hypothesis: KatieLyn broke up with Joe because he was the only person in her life who has entrusted her with power.  I know it is sick, and self-destructive, and it's taken me months to get to this conclusion, but it does make sense in a Bizarro World sort of way. KatieLyn cannot cut ties with her mother!  The very idea of not "honoring" her mother is abhorrent to her. But she does not like her mother controlling her. My theory is that part of her felt she might be trading a controlling mother for a controlling husband, so she dumped him first. She does not hold the power to dump her mother, but since Joe had entrusted her with his heart, she did have the power to throw it away. For the first time in her life, she could take charge!

If that is why she did it, KatieLyn was wrong about Joe having a controlling personality. But I do know first-hand that Gwen had suggested to KatieLyn that Joe was "talking her out of" some things and "talking her into" others. I know this because Gwen was peeved (not the word that Gwen would use, but I am taking the high road here) that Joe had "talked Katie out of" the fears that Gwen had raised.  Yes, dear readers, she was upset that Joe could allay KatieLyn's fear.

Remember what Dr. Schwartz said earlier about how "the family system has, as one of its goals, the preservation of itself?" When KatieLyn's mother came to visit our homes and community, she never opened her eyes to the wonderful world the Lord had provided here for KatieLyn. Gwen was looking for things that she could use to preserve the life that she wanted. She was putting her faith in her own emotions. She was trusting in her own desires, (which are not necessarily the same as KatieLyn's desires). She was depending upon her own understanding.

...which brings us to today's lesson based on Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.
These verses may not use the classic if/then style of a conditional statement, but that is what they are in effect. IF you acknowledge the Lord in all your ways, THEN He will direct your steps and show you which path to take.

Even though at the time of the engagement Gwen had written that she thought it was "a God thing" and that she had "a peace about it," as time went on she relied on her own feelings and trusted in her own ways.  God never promised to make your path smooth when you rely on yourself. That is the reason that her concerns and misgivings misled her horribly. And KatieLyn, her mother's daughter, followed that path.