Smothering Mothering

In recent years, the term "helicopter parenting" has popped up to refer to parents who hover over everything their child does. In reality, it's more likely to be the mother than the dad that does this. A counter-term, "free-range kids," has been coined to refer to the philosophy of giving kids some space to figure things out on their own. Common sense indicates that there is a need for a happy balance, but judging by the runaway bride outcome, KatieLyn suffered from the former.

I looked for a study on how helicopter parenting might affect the adult child. The closest one that I found was done on undergrad college students. KatieLyn is five years older than the subjects who answered questionnaires in the study, which was conducted at the University of Mary Washington and published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies. The findings showed that children of helicopter parents felt less autonomy and were more likely to feel incompetent. The researchers then tested for levels of anxiety, depression, and satisfaction with life. They concluded that the findings of "not feeling autonomous" and "not feeling competent" in the first phase of the study were associated with increased levels of depression and lower life satisfaction found in the second phase.

That fits with what Joe's family and friends saw in KatieLyn. Her mom, Gwen, was projecting a message that said she didn't have very much faith in KatieLyn's ability to make good decisions. Gwen stuck her opinion into places where it didn't belong because she wanted to help. However, her so-called help ended up making KatieLyn so anxious that she lost all confidence in her life-long dream and answer to fifteen years of prayer.

This got me to wondering what the Bible might say about overprotective parenting. I found—

Exodus 30:14 Everyone who is numbered in the census, from twenty years old and upward, shall give the Lord's offering.  By twenty years of age, the Lord is treating persons as adults who are responsible for giving the Lord's offering, a duty of citizenship. While this offering did not apply to women, it does make a statement about the age at which full adult social responsibility is recognized. During the one day that I saw KatieLyn interact with her mother, Gwen was treating her like she was about 14, half her biological age. 

Luke 2:42, 43  And when He became twelve, they went up there according to the custom of the Feast (of the Passover); and as they were returning, after spending the full number of days, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. But His parents were unaware of it… This is an interesting insight in that as we read further, we find that when Jesus was 12, his parents went a full day's journey without worrying over his whereabouts. Sure, you can make excuses: times were different, he was a boy, etc., but the point is that his parents had begun loosening the reins and were giving him a fair amount of autonomy by this age.


2 Chronicles 22:3 He also walked in the ways of the house of Ahab, for his mother was his counselor to do wickedly. This verse refers to Ahaziah, who was twenty-two years old when he became king. He reigned only one year in Jerusalem, and probably would have done better on his own.

Genesis 25 Rebekah, the mother of Isaac's twins, seemed to be fine with allowing Esau his space to go out on hunting trips, but it was a different story with his barely-younger brother Jacob. Her name means a 'tether for animals' or a 'noose.' The noosed cord of Rebekah had its loop firmly around Jacob as she manipulated his future and helped him deceive his father to secure the family blessing. Although she got what she wanted in the short term, family tensions got so hot that Jacob had to leave home.

Because Rebekah is not mentioned again, many Bible scholars presume that she died some time during the 14 years before Jacob could return, in which case, she never saw him again. It begs the question: Was it really worth it to interfere with the Lord's plan through such trickery? It had been prophesied even before birth that "the older shall serve the younger," so she needn't have gotten in God's way to try to force it. It would have happened anyway, and probably in a better way, without losing him and with a chance to enjoy some grandkids.

All the Women of the Bible (Zondervan, 1988) summarizes Rebekah's mothering: "Covetous of the sacred, patriarchal blessing for her favorite son, Rebekah felt she had to resort to duplicity to gain her ends, and in doing so she prostituted parental authority."  That is a good way to put it; she debased her parental authority for the money.

There is a place for parental oversight, but Rebekah was an over-the-top manipulator. Gwen may not have been quite as duplicitous as Rebekah, but she has been two-faced in her dealings with our family, and there is no doubt that she butted in on the life of her "of age" daughter, a daughter who was not being reckless, but who had been prayerfully seeking the Lord's will for years and had gotten her prayer answered.

The Lesson
This lesson from the runaway bride has been a sad one.  Jacob could have stood up to his mother. That was an option. But instead, his only real concern seemed to be that he might get caught, and he went along with her counsel. KatieLyn could have stood up to her mother. That was an option.  But instead she went along with her mom's fears until they became bigger than the Lord was in her life.